the redundancy of shit talking the men you are sleeping with

Disclaimer: This article was not written in defence of men. If anything I make these arguments in the defence of moral integrity of women so don’t even with me.

Most of the women sleeping with men—if not all—have been there. Psychoanalysing texts among close friends, strategising on what the next course of action should be if and when you see said man next, perhaps checking their IG story more than once. This is all normal and not particularly objectionable to me. What I think should come to an end—for anyone with an interest in relational integrity—is the pursuit of others while consistently making commentary on how they aren’t good enough for you, in whichever capacity that might be. To me, this exercise is redundant in the extreme.

still the best meme [i] ever made

Oh he can’t match you intellectually? But you see him 5 days a week? He’s broke but you’re on another date asking what gift he’s getting you next? The d¡ck is mediocre but you just sent a ‘you up?’ text. When these statements are made they show us two potential truths: you either don’t really believe what you’re saying (which comes with its own set of issues) or you do believe it and persistently chase what you don’t really want, anyway. If the latter is true, it sounds like you might actually just not like yourself, respectfully. The aforementioned commentary feels disingenuous and insincere and I would wager a guess that a significant percentage of the time, the commentator is patently insecure. My energy is precious, so is my time–so is yours. Why would I want to spend it on someone I don’t really want to spend it on? Maybe it’s time to make up our minds about what we value more: the ego stroke and free garms that come with these romantic interactions or our literal time—the fabric of our lives.

Instinctually, when confronted with something they don’t like, the vast majority of people look outward instead of asking themselves what about my behaviours, choices and patterns invited this kind of disagreeableness into my life? Intimate relationships are a perfect time for an interrogation of questions like these—they are a mirror, and the person you are engaging with is a reflection of you, if not in part then in whole. 

some of y’alls search history i’m sure

At some point, we all need to take responsibility for who we are and a large part of that includes the company we keep and the people we expel energy in pursuit of. I’m not a fool, all people need to be given the time to blow off steam and express love’s and life’s pain and disappointments but before/after we do, perhaps we should critically unpack why it is we are saying what we are saying. What is at the root of this common-place callousness and occasional cruelty? Could it be pain, betrayal, fear? And if so, damn can we start just saying that?! The ultimate question for me is: do the things we say in private align with our actions, publicly? And if not, we can’t claim to be a person who acts with relational integrity. And without integrity (which is just another version of honesty), is there really any functioning relationship there to begin with?

We are now at capacity for that which is manufactured, fraudulent and inauthentic in the world so I will do my best to keep my intimate relationships as free of these things as possible.