i don’t judge, i observe
only one of us is judging you and it ain’t me
I have always found the phrases ‘don’t judge me’ or ‘I’m feeling judged by you’ a little bewildering. To me at the root of judgement is the desire or attempt to change another person, perhaps to make them more like you. I couldn’t be further from this way of thinking, I’m too busy with my hobbies. I don’t have time to change people, even the ones I love dearly—we are either aligned or we are not.
In the past I have been accused of being judgmental but that is incorrect. I am observant and I pay close attention to people, apart from anything else because people are fascinating to me. I will always notice and observe what people say, how they act and move accordingly in response. No one can ask me not to do those things; that would be ludicrous, partly because many of my observations are automatic and I don’t even know they’ve been made until there is a stark contrast between what I’ve seen or heard previously and what is happening in front of me in the present moment. And even if these observations didn’t occur automatically, I would probably still try to make them because paying attention is a main way in which I show care and to care is to love, isn’t it?
In Islam it is haram to judge another as that is the role of Allah and Allah alone which is a beautiful ethos and one I try my best to adhere to.
The accusation of judgmentalness is levied most often when I have seen someone do the exact opposite of what they said they would. Most of the time, I haven’t passed comment when the preemptive statement ‘don’t judge me for this’ is made. I’ll be sincere, seeing a lack of integrity in people deeply aggravates me, a subject I have written on before but when I observe this there isn’t a judgement made about the decision they took—that would mean centring myself in their life. Instead, I have a choice to make: is the relationship worth the temporary state of aggravation or not? It is not my job to judge anyone’s actions (excluding my own and even that I can overindulge in), let alone attempt to change them; that would be playing god as well as a colossal waste of my time and energy. Anyone is entitled to behave in whatever way they want and I am in no way obliged to like it. It is, however, my job to assess who and what aligns with my own life choices and ethics and to use every irritation as a learning experience and opportunity to work on myself. Every time I observe something I don’t like, there is an opening there to ask myself how I can ensure I refrain from that same behaviour myself.
I also spend a lot of time and energy making all kinds of calculations and considerations before I open my mouth to give the sage advice I give to my loved ones, should they ask for it. This advice is always informed by said observations and is precious—sacred even—and as a result, if it is sought out to then be persistently discarded and undervalued then I reserve the right to withhold that guidance. Again, what one person might read as judgement, I would describe as observing and then, reacting. Integrity is a non-negotiable for me and the people closest to me know they need to hold themselves to the standards that I hold myself to for our relationship to flourish. I’m not self-righteous (I promise) I just know my boundaries and my bottom line and observing people who lack integrity navigate the world exhausts me, so why would I choose to expose myself to them?
If your read is that you are being judged by someone, I invite you to ask yourself what about your own actions do you consider worth judgment—of the good or bad kind. Because in order to feel judgment from someone else, some form of projection needs to be taking place on your end: you are likely playing the role of judge, no one else is. It took me a long time to learn that it isn’t the responsibility of anyone else to try and control how you perceive their reaction to your behaviour and once I understood this fact, life became smoother and simpler for me.
It will take someone who is very comfortable in themselves and their decisions to read this and be unfazed or even agree.
What power can someone’s judgement or verdict on your decisions and life have if you know deep down that those choices you made were right for you? And if you feel as though they weren’t right: make new choices. Alternatively, get used to the discomfort of being ‘judged’ by someone else who may not have liked the decision you made but much more importantly, showed you how much you didn’t like it, either.