not killing yourself works!

it turns out

Even when in possession of the fact that I am a person who engages in a healthy amount of flirtation with the dark side of society and my own psyche, someone who is inclined naturally to see the cup half empty, even post-application of this context, I can say the last few months have been monumentally dark for me. I have felt paralysed in my body and mind, unable to flex that solution-orientation muscle that I regularly make good use of or see what the future will look like and, at times, any reason I should stick around to find out.

The start of 2025 felt like all that I had planned for, worked towards had been thankless and was vanishing in front of me. Opening my eyes every morning felt like being forced into an instant attempt to catch water between my fingers or swim back to the top of a waterfall—and then feeling a huge sense of inadequacy and failure when inevitably I couldn't. There have been hours spent in the bath, staring at the condensation droplets run slowly down the tiles while the water around the islands that are my knees and torso goes from hot, to lukewarm, to cold; no urge to get up, get dry, get warm or seize the day. No nothing.

think of yourself as dead. you have lived your life. now take what’s left and live it properly.— marcus aurelius

Some of the few people I have shared the depths of my abjection with have put my predicament down to my saturn return. Others, to my recent emigration to another continent or perhaps the genocide directly live streamed to my phone. I've also been dealing with a deterioration in my dad’s health which I may touch on in a later piece. Essentially, a conglomerate of fuckeries have contributed to me almost losing my mind and myself completely.

This isn’t a cry for help, on the contrary it’s a celebratory message and I believe I am out of the woods as it pertains to this particular chaotic episode of my life; I'm breathing again, focused even. If you are still in it though, reading this, know that there are reasons to push on. Even if every endeavour feels fruitless, even if the notion of tomorrow leaves you with a knot in your stomach, do what you have to to see it through: because when you do eventually come back to the light of day, you will realise how much you missed the liquid sunshine on your skin.

sign from the universe

Late February was the first day I finally felt some semblance of normality and control—although I am aware this is illusory—and could get excited about life again. The future is actually so bright when you come out the other side. There is so much joy and intrigue on the other side of the depression, trauma or grief—no matter how long and unrelenting that period of time might seem. Your life is worth staying alive for; you deserve peace, you deserve love, you deserve success and it’s waiting for you, you need only step toward it.

Someone very important to me told me that after this time of anguish, I would never be the same again and as soon as I heard her say it I knew what she was telling me was true. And the same may be true for you; if it is, rest assured that that’s ok. You can shed the old you, let go of the old narratives and habits that no longer serve a beneficial purpose and step into whoever you are becoming, free from fear and doubt.

I recently read that true bravery is the divulgence of vulnerability and pain during the period not retrospectively. This I didn’t manage so maybe publishing this isn’t as brave as it feels and I'm a coward still. Maybe not though—that’s for me (and you) to say.